i wanted to write something for my blog today. and here i am, doing it. and frankly, it's rather stupid. because i started with an intention, not with an idea.
sometimes i fear that things might die on me if i don't feed them enough. friendships, novels i am reading, talks i was having oh so many days before, etc. the same accounts for this blog.
my intention never really was to write periodically, or rather just periodically. if Divine Inspiration came to me, so be it, i would write. if not, so be it, i wouldn't write. but here i am, facing a blank which i want to fill only for the sake of filling it, afraid things might drift away, and i will soon find myself marooned somewhere, empty-handed, with a blog that is a waste land, its handful of inhabitants having fled, leaving this page to sink into cyber-oblivion. (yes, that is a word now. i can decide on such matters, for i have an MA in languages. i have the power. muhahaha!)
i guess no one wishes to disappoint. and to those who don't care, or don't seem to care, i say: i don't believe you. not at all. no sirree.
i don't like to disappoint either. i don't want people (you know who you are) sighing that once again there is no new post, because i hope to provide everyone with everything they need. (not to say that people need these posts, but hey, you know.) (maybe i should allow myself to indulge in illusions of grandeur every once in a while.) (okay, here goes: i know that people need these posts like they need to hear the constant breathing of their firstborn asleep while... never mind. no one believes that. on with the post!)
but i actually began writing this blog not for other people, but for myself. yes, i AM a selfish bastard. let me quote from the second post i ever wrote, more than two years ago.
"i guess it's just some "place" where i can dump all my thoughts and ideas. do i then think that anybody cares? about my ideas? amid the myriads of other blogs? nah, not really. why bother then? writing for myself can be satisfactory in its own right. and if anyone stumbles upon this web page and does not feel the urge to vomit (or, to blog?) while reading my writings, then things might not be too bad after all. so far, so good." (the link to vomit-to blog can be found in that very same post, but i didn't paste it here, for the sake of relevance) (oh lord. i am the master of digressions.)
i guess that still is true. if you like this: fine! if you don't read this: fine! if you are not there and i am talking to myself in the dark: eh... fine?
new posts will follow. new posts will always follow. but they have to follow my whim. because this might be the only place where i can follow my whim. and do stupid things. like write what i write, even though no one might ever read all of this.
it is what it is. it will be what it will be. yes, i am apologizing to my millions and billions of readers for taking so much time to post. yes, i shouldn't be apologizing because writing just for the sake of delivering posts is worse.
and i just gladly filled a void.